The wind blows slowly through the window, the breeze makes it feel so nice and in that instant you realize the evening is beautiful. You just want to stay at home, maybe watch a movie while having a cup of coffee. No big plans tonight, after all you are just alone and you have a feeling it’s going to be a peaceful night. Did I say peaceful? Well I guess I was wrong, because your beautiful mind is playing tricks on you. As you watch the movie, you start having conversations with yourself, you start asking yourself questions and answering them while making weird sounds of whining and discomfort, cause you realize.. You don’t really like your answers! Maybe this part of the movie reflected much about your real life or maybe you have been in denial for the longest time but tonight you just can’t help it. There are things you will never run away from as long as you are breathing, as much as you try to avoid that topic, at some point you will have to face it. There are moments when you must face your real self… For me, my persistent distraction..
That adorable love life, that beautiful relationship that leads to marriage and happily ever after. And just like clock work, it reveals itself in the movie I was watching. Now lost in thoughts, I start thinking about myself. I know how old I am but I actually take my calculator to confirm again, “Oh My God” on getting that quick reminder of age. Yes you are twenty five years old, where everyone believes you must be in a stable relationship, maybe engaged or more so you should be married and with one or more kids by now. Society is also looking up to you in that aspect of being an African woman that everything should be done in perfect timing. In this aspect everyone expects you to be a role model. But here you are in your own small world alone and very single, with no hope whatsoever that maybe soon you will be married or something close to it. It never bothered you that much before, but tonight you’re going deep into it, start checking your friends list mostly your age mates and truth is most are somewhere stable in this love life. What is frustrating most in this research is that you get to see even those younger girls probably from the same school or same neighborhood are also flourishing in their relationships.
Many are the days you tell yourself its okay that am still young, you tell yourself my Mr. Right is not yet born, but tonight you are questioning if it’s okay, is it really okay? Is it okay to be single? Is it okay that I don’t have any kids yet? Is it okay that my friends are ahead of me? Then to add salt to the injury you start recalling how your friends tease you about being single at your age. How you see lovely couples on social media and you imagine how your love life would have been. And for a second you fantasize about it. You remember how family members sometimes say or suggest things that show they’re also expecting much from you, maybe they said it in good faith but it comes to you as pressure. A pressure that you’re not able to handle because you really don’t know what is ahead of you anymore. You start feeling like a failure, like a disappointment to your loved ones and the society at large. You reach out to your diary probably to write down what could be wrong with you. And you ask yourself, am I beautiful? You run to the mirror and stare at yourself for a while and to your diary and say, “YES” I am very beautiful.
Next question, is my career the problem? And you quickly scribble in your diary and write, “NO” I have a good career. I am doing pretty well and I am responsible. In fact I am that Miss independent woman. Then what really went wrong? Maybe I was cursed? A weird quick thought crosses my mind, but this is not actually true because I vividly remember the number of times I have been in a relationship and it never worked out. And you start checking on your past relationships. Maybe it’s what you didn’t do that made all of them go sour. But no, this just brings a clear picture that you have been on the right track, and that you gave your best in those relationships and that it’s not your fault it never worked. You actually realize that everything prevailed and couldn’t have been done any better just that you couldn’t just settle for less and for someone who doesn’t compliment you to please family, friends or even the society.
And in your diary you note the falls of your past relationships as an experience that only teaches you a lesson. The lesson that reminds you to wait for your perfect match no matter how long it might take. The lesson that reminds you that everything happens for a reason. The lesson that reminds you that you are still beautiful and you deserve the best. The lesson that reminds you that you are still young and you can hold on to it and your time to flourish with your love is also near. You make a quick remark, “MY ANGEL IS JUST CAUGHT UP IN THE TRAFFIC”. You smile and rewind your movie!
Movie, Reality or MY ANGEL IS JUST CAUGHT UP IN THE TRAFFIC – Priscilla Wachira